the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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