Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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