Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
