I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I love black thongs
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
