I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
