my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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