I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
