i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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