I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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