my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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