I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
