i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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