what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
