Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
