Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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