I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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