Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
