Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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