dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
did i walk over a car last night?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
