Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
