A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
