he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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