Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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