i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
