I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
