I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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