I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
