if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
