My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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