I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
