Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
