There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
