Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
