i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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