ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
