my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
