Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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