Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
