I think I died a long time ago.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
