I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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