Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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