at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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