I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
