I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
