So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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