Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
