It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
