so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
