Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
