Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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