Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My vagina is very pro this idea
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
