I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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