they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
