i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
