Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
