Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
